Monday, April 29, 2013

The worst place to be

Today I had the dreaded visit to the OB/GYN office. It was for the follow up after my miscarriage. When the nurse called me last week and told me it would be a good idea for me to come in and meet with my doctor, I told her that unless he was going to tell me something new or more helpful from what the other 4 doctors had told me (2 of those doctors being Reproductive Endocrinologists), I had no interest in seeing him. She was very nice to me and just said, "Oh, hunny, you don't have to do anything you're not ready to do. You just call when you're ready to see him". So, I called a few days later because I did have a couple questions, you know, with this being my 5th miscarriage.

So, back to today. I pulled in the parking lot of the office and instantly I felt this immense sadness. I wasn't there for the reason I wanted to be there. I wasn't there for the reason I should be there. I walked in and what is the first thing I see? A pregnant woman, probably 4-6 months standing up with her husband's hand on her belly. It didn't matter where I sat, I was in an office full of pregnant women. A cruel reminder of what I had lost.

I went back to the exam room and didn't have to wait very long. Within a few minutes the dr was in there giving me his condoloences for my loss. He said to me that one of the things he disliked most about his job was seeing a woman like me, who wanted so much to be pregnant and become a mom and who had been thru so much, and then to go into the next room and have a patient who was pregnant and didn't want to be, or didn't appreciate it, or couldn't care for herself or the children she already had. It just wasn't fair he said, and I couldn't agree more.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

The non-existent nursery

We have a spare room in our house. For the first few years, it was used as extra storage. There was junk in there and old furniture. Then, we cleaned it out and it became our dogs' room. We put their blankets in there and cleaned all of the other stuff out. And it just stayed the dogs room with the intention that it was someday going to be a nursery.

With every pregnancy, I would go into the spare room and see the empty space and I would envision the color of the walls. I knew we wouldn't paint pink or blue because we decided not to find out the gender early. I knew we wouldn't paint pastel yellow or green because those were overdone. I found some crib bedding online that I really liked. It was ABC, 123 themed and had little owls in like an aqua and tan color. And there was some orange or peach. Those would be the colors of the walls. The crib would be a natural color wood or white. I pictured a rocker in the corner by the window and that is where I would rock our baby, by the light of the moon and the twinkling of the stars and I would say nursery rhymes and sing little songs to put him or her to sleep. The rhymes and songs that my mom used to say to me:

CiCi my playmate, come out and play with me
Bring your dolly three
Climb up my apple tree
Slide down my rainbow into my cellar door
And we'll be jolly friends forever more
Shut the door

I would go in there, in the middle of the night, when the baby woke up crying and rock him back to sleep, or maybe stay up for hours with a screaming baby because they don't always go back to sleep so easily. And maybe the dogs would be curled up on the big area rug next to the crib, you know for protection.

There would be a shelf on the wall with the first ultra sound picture and the first picture of the three of us in the hospital together. And on the opposite wall would be big hanging letters spelling out his or her name.

I used to imagine all of that. And I never did anything with the room because I didn't want to put a lot of work into just to have to re-do it all when I finally got pregnant and had a baby. And now, there is no reason for it to stay empty; there is no reason to keep imagining that nursery.

After my miscarriage was confirmed last week, that nursery I had been imagining was replaced with an idea for a more realistic guest room. I decided that I couldn't stand to look at that empty room any more and I needed to start decorating it right away. I had to do something productive with all of the rage and sadness and grief that I was feeling, so I went shopping. I went out and bought a big grey area rug and picked out a silvery-lavender color for the walls and dark purple curtains. And I decided that instead of a crib, I would buy a futon.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

5th Miscarriage

It's really hard sometimes to see life still going on around me. I think because I am hurting and sad and grieving that time should stop, just for a little while. I want to throw a pity party for myself and just stay in my bed. And then I feel selfish because I know there are things in this world that happen that are so much worse then what I am going through. And I also know that there are very happy things that are happening that I should be celebrating, but then it feels like I am betraying the loss that I just had.

This has been an extremely hard week for me. Very emotionally draining. This was the 5th time I got pregnant. Completely unexpected. And because it was completely unexpected, there was a little teeny-tiny piece of me that thought and hoped and prayed this was going to be the baby that was meant to be (and of course, I thought the other 4 babies were the babies that were meant to be). When the nurse told me I was pregnant, I just started sobbing. I told her she had to be wrong. This couldn't be possible because we weren't trying and I wasn't being monitored. But the test was positive and I was pregnant. I tried to stay cautious and I was never really happy, I mean how could I be? It was just instant fear because of all of the complications and losses we had already experienced. Every woman who wants to be a mom should be able to feel nothing but happiness and joy and excitement when they are told they are pregnant.

When will I get to feel that? When will it be my turn to have a happy, healthy pregnancy and baby? When will it be our turn to be parents? When will we get to see our baby on an ultrasound and hear a heartbeat and feel a kick and plan a shower and decorate a nursery? When will we get to bring our baby home and build our family?

Maybe never. When I lost this last pregnancy, I lost so much more then the physical aspect. I lost part of who I was and the last little bit of hope I had that we would ever be parents; that I would ever be a mom. I know people want to tell me that it will happen some day, somehow. But if that were true, wouldn't it have been one of the last five times I got pregnant? The truth is, that just because I want to be a mom more than anything, and just because I feel like I was meant to be a mom and that I was meant to raise children with my husband, that doesn't mean it will happen. There might be lots of ways to have a family, but those ways don't work for everyone. They're not a reality for everyone.

5 years of trying to conceive and 5 losses just seems like a sign, a very sad sign, but a sign.

Join the Movement-I am joining the movement and you can too

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I am joining the movement. Over 7 million people suffer from the reproductive disease of infertility. I am one of those 7 million people. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 5 years and have been thru 5 miscarriages. The most recent one was confirmed last Monday, 4/15. While the pain of that is still very fresh and my emotions are still very raw, I know that I can't let it pass by without talking about it. I am not going to be silent because that is what so many people in the infertility community do. We stay silent.

We stay silent out of fear of judgement. We stay silent out of the shame we think we have to feel. We stay silent because we don't want to make other people uncomfortable. We stay silent because we think we must somehow have deserved to have the precious gift that was given to us taken away. We stay silent because we think its supposed to be a private matter. We stay silent for lots of reasons. But 7 million people staying silent gives infertility a lot of power. How can we, in the infertility community, expect to get support from those who love us and from those who can make a difference like doctors and insurance companies and law makers, if we don't give them a chance to support us? If we don't give them a chance to join the movement?

If you want to support me, if you want to support National Infertility Awareness Week, if you want to support the over 7 million people who are battling the dream crushing-heartbreaking-devastating-emotion draining-hope stealing-kick me in the face while I'm down jerkface infertility, then join the movement. Check out these links:

Thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me that you care enough to visit my blog.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Infertility isn't ha-ha funny

I chose the title for my blog because sometimes I just have to laugh. It's not a ha-ha funny. It's more of an "I can't believe this is happening to ME" kind of funny. It's an "I can't believe this situation" kind of funny. It's an "If I don't laugh, I'll cry" kind of funny.

I chose the title because if I think back far enough, there were signs of my infertility long before I knew to look for those signs, and long before we started "trying" to have children. It's funny that we spent so much time being careful to not get pregnant because there were so many other priorities, and now that we're ready, its not happening.

I chose the title because its funny that what seems so easy for everyone else, is so the opposite of easy for us.

Sometimes I feel like if I don't find something about my infertility to laugh at, I will just cry and believe me, I have done my share of that.

Why I'm writing this blog

I'm writing this blog for a few reasons. To tell my story, to help myself heal, and most importantly to educate, inform and bring awareness to infertility, a medical condition that affects over 7 million people in the U.S.

I'm writing this blog to be a voice for a medical condition that is very quiet. I'm writing this blog to be a voice for a community that is often very quiet. I'm writing this blog to bridge a gap between us (the infertile myrtles) and them (the fertile myrtles).

I'm writing this blog because I am tired of feeling ashamed and guilty and inferior because I am infertile. I don't know where my journey with infertility is going to take me, or where/when it is going to end, but I do know that I'm not doing myself or anyone else any favors by not being open and honest about it, so welcome to my blog.