Resolve to know more...

I've earned the title bad blogger. I go long stretches of time without writing any entries. I go long stretches of time without having anything to blog about. But the one time of year I know I have to blog is during National Infertility Awareness Week. That is happening right now, April 20th-26th. This is the second NIAW I have been a blogger. Before last year, I didn't even know such a week existed, even though I have struggled with infertility for the last six years. I think about all of the other people affected by infertility in some way, shape or form who don't know about this week, who don't know what resources are available to them, who must feel like they are the only ones who struggle and that is part of why I blog; in the hope that SOME of those people, even just ONE of those people, will find my blog and learn about NIAW, learn about the resources that are available to them to help them cope, to help them heal, to help them feel not so alone. And of course, I blog to share my story, to educate friends, family, and even strangers about infertility, and to empower myself and others.

This year's theme for NIAW is "Resolve to know more...". I resolve to know more about adoption. And I encourage all of you to resolve to know more about adoption. I could write several entries about adoption because that is the point in our infertility journey that my husband and I are at.

The truth is, adoption is such a complex process, it involves so many people, so much work, so many emotions, so much time. My husband and I signed with our agency back in October (and even making that decision had its own set of complexities; do we use lawyer vs. agency, domestic vs. international, comparing fees, etc.). We are just now finishing the homestudy process.  It has been overwhelming to say the least. But those are topics for another time. What I really want to write about are the things you can do to support a loved one who is considering, or who is pursuing, adoption.

1. Be informed, be educated. Start researching adoption on your own. Learn about the difference between domestic adoption vs international adoption. Learn about open vs semi open vs closed adoption. Learn about agency vs lawyer adoption. Learn about foster to adopt. Learn about the "adoption triad" and how adoption affects not only the person or couple adopting, but also the birth family and the child. Reach out to adoption agencies for info packets. Research the costs and where the money goes.

You can ask your loved ones those questions too, but it would mean so much if you would take the initiative and do some of the leg work they are doing. Put yourself in their shoes and get a feel for the research they have to do and the questions they have to ask and the road they have to be prepared to go down. Travel some of it with them.

2. Don't say to a person or a couple struggling with, or who has struggled with infertility, to "just adopt".

While you may say this out of love because it hurts you to see them hurting through their inferitlity, struggling with treatments, experiencing miscarriage(s), or because you wonder how much more they are willing to go through to have a child, it doesn't help them. A comment like that just simplifies everything and may make it seem like you think they are doing something wrong, or judging them. Or, that you think they haven't considered all of their options. There are a million and one reasons why a person or a couple can't or won't or are unable to adopt at that time. Maybe it will change in the future, maybe it won't. But trust me, they have thought about it, or will think about it on their own time, in their own way and they will let you know when, or if, adoption is a possibility.

3. Don't make comments like "Once you adopt, you'll get pregnant" or "Adoption is just as good as having your own". 

Those types of comments may seem innocent or even supportive, but they really aren't. Once a person or a couple has decided adoption is the right choice for them, they are 100% (or should be) committed to adoption and that child because that IS how they are going to complete their family and that IS how they are going to have a child; their child. The goal of adoption is not to get pregnant. Adoption is not a substitute, it is just another way. 

And I can only speak for myself here, but after struggling with infertility, I really had to grieve that loss and find closure for the fact that I was never going to have a biological child, create a life with my husband who I love, be pregnant, experience child birth, etc. Adoption is a new chapter and a new beginning. And I am excited about that. But it took me a while, a lot of heartbreak, disappointment, and dealing with many emotions including guilt, anger, and self esteem issues to get to the point of acceptance and excitement about the new chapter of adoption. Adoption is a decision we had to come to in our own time, in our own way.

4. Don't say something like "Well, I could never adopt" or "How are you going to raise someone else's child". Adoption may not be for you, or you may not understand their decision and that's ok. Keep it to yourself.

Comments like this are really a criticism or insult to your loved one who is adopting, and it may make them feel like, or question, if you will love and value their child, if you will accept their child, as you would a child that was born to them, even if that is not at all what you meant. Language is a really tricky thing and words have a way of staying in the back of someone's mind. Think before you speak. 

5. Don't question their method of adoption. "Why are you adopting internationally instead of from our country"? "You know, there are plenty of foster kids who need homes. Why don't you become a foster parent instead"?

Deciding to adopt, and what method of adoption one is going to pursue is a very personal and very complex decision. Every person or couple who chooses adoption and what type of adoption they are going to pursue is very well informed and educated. They don't need other people second guessing them, or telling them they are doing it wrong. Trust them, they know what is best for their family and their goals. Just support their decision and be excited for them. 

6. Understand that they most likely have a long, difficult road ahead of them. They will give you info and updates as things progress. And be ready to support them when they do become parents, just like you would any other parents. They are going to be exhausted, and unsure of themselves, and excited, and scared. 

Also, be ready to support them through the wait, the disruptions, the highs of the matches and the lows when the matches don't work out. Nothing about adoption is easy; NOTHING. 

Now that I've given you this list, it's only fair that I give you some resources.

First, check out http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 and www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html.

Resolve is The National Infertility Association. If you are struggling with infertility or considering adoption or any other family building options, you can find resources and information. If you are looking for ways or information on how to offer support, or to educate yourself about infertility and/or adoption, Resolve is a great place to start.

I was pregnant...now I'm not

The day before my birthday we found out I was pregnant. We weren't trying, we weren't expecting, it just happened. And it was an amazing surprise. This pregnancy started off so strong. This one was a fighter. I had to get a couple blood draws to make sure the pregnancy was progressing before the dr would start me on my blood thinner and the extra progesterone. From my first blood test to my 2nd, my hcg more than quadrupled! But number can be misleading little tricksters. Anyway, I started the daily lovenox injections and the progesterone supplement right away. 

I was cautiously optimistic. Even when I started to notice the spotting ( because that happens in like a third of "normal" pregnancies, right?). Even though my hcg stayed low and was only minimally rising after that first quantitative hcg. Even though the ultrasound dated the pregnancy a week behind what it should have been. This was going to be one of those miracle pregnancies that just took a little time to catch up. And my due date was November 8th, my Gram's birthday.  

I made it to 7 weeks before we got the official "this isn't a viable pregnancy" phone call from the nurse. It was a Friday and she said, "I'm sure you know when/if you need to go to the ER. You've been down this road before. I'm sorry". Yes we had; five other times. But this time was supposed to be different.

It's a weird limbo, being pregnant, but not. I wasn't a stranger in this place, but it still felt strange. Strange to know that I was expecting to lose yet another life that had started, but I just couldn't support. Strange to know that even though I was 7 weeks pregnant, the pregnancy had stopped developing around 5 weeks. Should that make me feel better, that at least I wasn't "far along". It doesn't. From that first positive pregnancy test, just like all of the others, I put on the mom hat. I can't disconnect myself from the pregnancy until it is determined to be viable. I guess that would make it so much easier. 

So now, I'm not pregnant at all. I got my results from my final blood draw yesterday. My hcg was at a "1". Anything less than 5 is officially not pregnant. I have to go for a follow up with the dr next week. It's weird being pregnant and then not, without having a baby to show for it. It's weird and it's sad, even if that is how it's meant to be for whatever reason. 

Faith and Infertility

A funny thing happened on the way to infertility; I found my faith. I'm finding my faith, rather, a little more every day. I have debated writing a post like this for a while because I wasn't exactly sure what to say. I still don't know exactly what to say, but it's time I say something. Recently, I have encountered some pretty negative commentary about God's Will and infertility. I think that is a main reason I want to write this. I want to clarify how I feel about God's Will when it comes to my infertility, when it comes to my desire to be a mother.

When I was in the depths of infertility, and before I started seeing my counselor, I was angry. I was so angry that if I wasn't dismissing God altogether, I was blaming Him for my infertility and for my miscarriages. I felt like I was being punished and I wanted no part of whatever I thought was punishing me. I would scream and cry and question, "God, if there is a God, why are you letting this happen to me? Don't I deserve to be a mother? Am I not good enough to be a mother? Why do I keep experiencing loss"? There was a lot of that for many years. So, that is where I was, and that is where I lived. I lived in my anger. It was all consuming, but it was easier to be angry and blame God then to just accept that some people are fertile, some people are infertile, some women have healthy pregnancies and deliver their babies, some women have miscarriages. And now I am coming to a place of acceptance, which is helping me be less angry. Acceptance doesn't mean that I am happy, it doesn't mean that I don't wish things were different. Acceptance is just part of recovery. It is part of moving forward. It is part of finding peace.

So, this brings me back to infertility and God's Will. I have been told on more then one occasion that if I were meant to be a mother, God would have made me fertile instead of barren. Those are some of the most hurtful words anyone could say to me. Those are words that would have made me angry with God 5 years ago, or a year ago or even 6 months ago. But through my personal and spiritual growth, I have realized that the people who say things like that are people without compassion. They are people who like to prey on the insecurities of others. They are people who are religious, but who are not true Christians, even if they claim to be.

I don't believe that it is God's Will that I am infertile. I don't believe God makes or lets bad things happen to people, or in the world. I believe that those things are just an imperfect part of living in an imperfect world. But I do believe that there is a purpose for what I have experienced and I do believe that I am supposed to use my experience to help others. I do believe that I am supposed to use the loss and grief I have experienced to grow stronger and to push forward. And that is what I choose to believe. And I don't know if it is God's Will for me to be a mother, but I certainly know that it is my will. And I don't believe I would have such a strong, innate desire to be a mother if I wasn't meant to be.

Thank you Missy Briscoe and Fran Meadows!

I had an exceptionally emotional few days last week. Going through infertility and the adoption process will do that, I guess. I got home from work one day at the end of the week to find a manila envelope waiting for me on the kitchen counter. Just the pick me up I needed. I excitedly opened it and took out The Cherry Blossom Sakura Tree Drop Pendant, deisgned by Missy Briscoe (www.missybriscoe.com). I won it in a Hope and Fertility jewelry give away sponsored by Fran Meadows, author and infertility advocate. You can visit her website and blog at www.secretinfertility.com

I had actually been searching for a special piece of jewelry for a long time. I contacted a couple custom jewelry makers and scoured the Internet, but just never found something that I connected with. This necklace represents exactly what I had been looking for. From the detail of the cherry blossom tree, to the what the garnets and moonstones represent, and the message of hope on the front and back. Thank you Missy Briscoe and Fran Meadows!

 

Reminders

I have been on cloud 9 recently with our decision to adopt. We have been making plans (that I never thought we would make), we have been busy attending adoption workshops and reading adoption books, tending to our adoption Facebook page. Really, doing a lot of things that have distracted me (a welcome distraction) from my infertility. Being distracted doesn't mean I have forgotten about my infertility; it just means it has been on the back burner. Here is the thing about infertility; it never goes away. Some people learn to accept it and live with it, some people learn to ignore it, but none of us forget about it. Infertility becomes part of who we are. It helps shape us, it helps us grow, it changes the way we think about some things; the way we think about ourselves. So, I have been distracted and happily so, but sometimes those reminders of infertility just creep up on me. I never know what they are going to be, or how to anticipate them, or what my reaction will be.

A few years ago, I checked the mail when I got home from work. I opened the mailbox and there was a package from Gerber. The package contained a congratulations letter on the recent birth of my child and a full size canister of formula with coupons. I had forgotten that when I found out I was pregnant, I signed up on some website for free baby stuff. Well, I never had our baby, and holding a canister of formula in my hands was a reminder that I had no baby to feed it to. Here I am, in the street, in front of my mailbox with formula in my hands just crying; sobbing. I remember it very vividly.

Commercials, commercials, commercials (said in my whiniest Jan Brady voice)...they are huge culprits that find the most obnoxious ways to remind me of my infertility. Several weeks ago, I saw a commercial for a new pregnancy test. Clear Blue Easy can now estimate how far along in your pregnancy you are; 1-2 weeks, 3-4 weeks, 6+ weeks or some nonsense like that. And the commercial was of two women having coffee and the one decides to share with her friend that she is 1-2 weeks pregnant and they have a laugh and a happy moment. And in my head I am thinking, "This is a stupid &*#$% commercial and a stupid &*#$% test". You know why I thought that? Because all my pregnancy experiences taught me that you don't tell anyone you're pregnant before you're out of the danger zone. By the time I usually found out I was pregnant, I was already miscarrying. I never could have taken a test like that and been excited, and that made me angry and sad. Why does someone need to know they are 1-2 weeks pregnant anyway? And then, just the other night, a commercial came on with a crowd watching a football game. A pregnant woman walks into the room wearing a shirt that says future fan on her belly, and then a man walks over and places his hand on her belly and they kiss. And I cried. I will never have that belly and my husband and I will never have that moment. Yes, we will be parents through adoption and we will have a lot of exciting and joyous moments. I am not taking anything away from that, but remember, one thing does not replace the other.

A big reminder is coming up for me this month; November 20th. The third time I got pregnant was thru an IUI we had done in February of 2011. I found out I was pregnant around my birthday in March. My due date was November 20th. Of course, that date came and went with no baby born because at the end of April, just a few weeks before that 12 week mark I was so desperately hoping and praying I would make it to, I miscarried. I grieve my other 4 miscarriages, but the third one was significant for me in a way the others weren't. Maybe because of the IUI, maybe because we actually made it to an ultrasound, maybe because we had an official due date; I don't know. It's a different reminder.

There are other things that sneak up and remind me. Every cute Facebook pregnancy announcement or ultrasound picture, every time I log into my on-line support group and find that another one of my IF sisters has graduated to pregnant status and left me behind, every babyshower invite, etc. Of course these reminders are not personal attacks, but that doesn't mean they don't sting. I can be happy for other's, but feel a bit of sadness for myself at the same time. I feel it, I acknowledge it, and then I move on from it. Until the next reminder.

October 15th

Yesterday, October 15th, was Infant And Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. I wish I would have written about it before now so that I could have raised more awareness thru my blog, but I did use my Facebook page and I talked about it in the hopes that people would join me in paying tribute to all of the pregnancies and infants lost. At 8pm last night, I took part in a candle lighting with hundreds, or maybe even thousands, of other people who wanted to remember and/or honor their angel babies, and also people who just wanted to show support for their loved ones. I thought I would be sad when I lit my candle next to my little teddy bear. I kind of even hesitated for a second. But, I lit the candle, closed my eyes for a second, and then I felt a little smile come across my face. It was a bittersweet moment. Yes, it was a little sad, but in that moment, I didn't feel alone in my loss. I knew that all across the country and maybe even in other parts of the world people were doing the same thing. We were all coming together and we all understood. There is no grief like infertility, miscarriage, or losing your baby. I was part of a Facebook group and we all posted our pictures and messages. Here is my candle for my 5 babies that live in my heart and for all of the other people who have experienced loss. And this is my "burden bear" that my good friend Sara gave me to help me with my grief. There have been many moments I have squeezed this bear as close to me as I could and just cried thinking of the babies that should be here with us. This little teddy bear and poem have helped my healing process so much, I hope Sara knows the difference it has made.

October is a month of awareness for so many causes and one of those is Infertility Awareness. Please don't be afraid to talk about it, to educate yourselves or others, to reach out and support someone you know who is suffering through infertility, or to ask for support if you are the one struggling. 

If you need resources, information, or education you can visit www.resolve.org, The National Infertility Association.

You can also check out this website http://www.secretinfertility.com/. It is the website of a woman, and author, who is an infertiliy advocate I recently connected with. Her name is Fran Meadows. You can check out her story, blog and even connect with her on Facebook. Yesterday, she did something amazing and thoughtful. She recognized anyone who emailed her their info, by releasing a virtual butterfly on her Facebook page, to honor and remember all the pregnancies and babies lost and the families who miss them every day.

Garage sale fundraiser, the toy, and the collection

Two weekends ago, Dan and I had an adoption fundraiser garage sale. We had been planning it for about a month. We collected so many donations of items to sell that our house literally looked like an episode of Hoarders. Dan was pretty stressed out and every time our poor dogs turned around, they knocked something over. But you know what, it was worth living like that for a short period of time because it helped us earn money for our adoption fund. It taught us some things about ourselves. It showed us the amazing support system that we have. And we even met some awesome people. We advertised it as an adoption fundraiser, so even strangers came out to show their support. People came to share their stories and experiences with adoption with us. They came to tell us good luck. The words of encouragement were so meaningful and appreciated. Everyone helped us from donating their time to help us set up, clean up and stay organized, to lending us things like tables, clothing racks, a cash box, their truck and trailer, and even their home and yard so we would have an ideal location. It could not have been more successful.

So, it was hard for us to decide to have the garage sale as a fundraiser because we did not want people to think that we were asking for any kind of hand out. We didn't want anyone to feel like they had to help us. We know that pursuing adoption is our plan and our decision. It is our responsibility. But I remembered something someone close to me once said about my infertility. We were having a very emotional and in depth conversation about how isolated and angry that, I, especially felt while we were going thru our IUI. When we decided to do that, we didn't tell anyone really because we thought we had to keep it private. And that was stressful. And she said to me that she wished she had known we were going thru that because she would have wanted to offer any support she could have. And there were some other things, but the bottom line was because we kept people in the dark, we didn't give them the option to support us or not (and I don't just mean financially). We took away their ability to offer love and support and be there for us in any way they were comfortable or able. So the adoption process is going to be different. We are going to be honest about what we are going thru. We are going to allow our friends and family and coworkers, etc to support us however they are comfortable. And with that in mind, we planned the garage sale fundraiser. We ended up raising around $2500 from the weeks leading up to the sale, the two days of the sale, and in the few weeks since. Pretty amazing! We have a long way to go, but that was definitely a great start with what we had saved already (what we had saved was going to be for another IUI, but plans have a way of changing and we truly believe the adoption is a change for the better for us).

Roly Poly Chime Ball-First toy for Baby Howard



The Roly Poly Chime Ball pictured is a toy that was in our garage sale. Dan found it and brought it over to me. It was a moment with just the two of us. He showed it to me and said, "Look at this. Isn't it cool? This is a really old toy. I think we should keep it and it will be our baby's first toy". A super sweet moment that melted my heart and showed me a glimpse of how much Dan is looking forward to us being parents. I still don't think he really understands how much that moment with him, and that toy means to me. We have nothing for a baby. We have nothing on purpose. And one of the guidelines we have been given is to not get baby items or a nursey or anything like that too far in advance. And I understand why. And I am following that guideline. But we are keeping the toy because it is a reminder for us of what we are going to have. Besides, it's a little memento from our garage sale.

On another note of fundraising, Dan has the most thoughtful and wonderful co-workers. I just found out today that they started a collection for us at his work. When I saw this picture, I literally started crying. Part of it was the stork. Isn't is silly how that image could evoke such an emotional reaction from me? I don't know how to explain it. It's about what it represents, I guess, if that makes sense. The other reason that I was crying was because of the generosity. These are people who work hard for their money, people who have their own responsibilities, families, needs, etc., but they want to help us financially. More then financially, though, they want to help us acheive our dream of becoming parents. Dan has worked at his job for 13 years. I always knew he had good co-workers and friends. But they are so much more then that. Now, they are a part of our story. They will have a hand in helping us to one day bring our baby home. I don't know if they all know just how grateful we are, and how much this gesture truly means.

So, to our family, friends, co-workers, family and friends of family and friends, and even strangers; thank you. Thank you for helping to make this possible, thank you for being there, thank you for your support and generosity, thank you for believing is us and believing in our dream. Also, thank you to anyone who reads my blog.