Sunday, August 25, 2013

The adoption option

Throughout our struggle with infertility and miscarriage, adoption was something that was brought up a few times. And I will spare you the details, but for those of you who asked or wondered, "Why don't they just adopt", it was never that simple. Of course we knew adoption was an option. As with most individuals or couples who struggle with infertility, we were well aware of all of our options. We just didn't want to rush into something we weren't ready for, or feel pressured to do something that may not have been the right choice for us. Treatment plans, medications, doctors, infertility, adoption; it is all very personal, and each person who struggles has their own timeline and their own boundries. And the truth is, that sometimes, even a husband and wife aren't on the same page about those things.

The journey through infertility has been complicated, long, emotional, expensive, and overwhelming (to say the least). The thought of moving onto adoption, which is in its own right, is complicated, long, emotional, expensive and overwhelming was something we definitely had to be on the same page about. We could not easily transition from one path to the other, in part because it felt like giving up on something we had been trying to make happen for so long, but also because it was scary. Adoption would come with a new set of challenges, fears, disappointments, etc.

Adoption was never a new idea. But for me, I had to come to the realization that even though I so desperately wanted to be pregnant and have that experience, and create a life with my husband, what I wanted most was to be a mom. And what made me come to that realization was my most recent miscarriage. After 5, I finally acknowledged we were (most likely) never going to have children the way we were trying. The doctors couldn't help me. The medications couldn't help me. My body just couldn't carry a baby. And getting pregnant did no good if I couldn't stay pregnant. And I was so sad. I lost the last little bit of hope I had that I would ever be a mom, or that Dan would ever be a dad, or that we would raise children together. And what happened next, just when I was giving up, shocked me. About 2 months after my miscarriage, Dan simply said to me, "Maybe we should look into adoption". It was something to that effect, and it was all I needed to hear. Those were some of the most beautiful, thougthful, selfless words he had ever spoken to me. By the next day I had looked into 3 agencies, researched open vs. closed adoption, looked at agency vs. lawyer, cost, funding, etc. Dan and I went to an info session with an agency the following month and decided after we left that was the agency for us and this was the new plan for us. And we were at peace about moving forward with our plan to adopt. In the first paragraph of this entry I stated that a husband and wife aren't always on the same page, and for a long time we weren't. And now we are very much on the same page, and what an exciting page it is.

Something that I had to realize when moving onto this new chapter is that it does not erase everything else we have been through. Adoption does not fix my infertility. Adoption is not us giving up on one plan. It is just giving us the opportunity to pursue parenthood in a different way, and that I am grateful for. I will keep you updated on our journey with the adoption option.


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