Wednesday, July 22, 2015


Beginning the adoption process gave me hope that we would be parents. I didn't know how long it would take, but after 6 years of battling through IF and overcoming 6 miscarriages, I knew that I could wait as long as it would take. Would it be 6 months? Would it be another 6 years? It didn't really matter because I finally had hope, and I knew that it would be eventually. There is that word again; eventually. That is the word that kept popping in my mind on a regular basis from the first time Dan said to me that we should look into adoption. Beginning at that moment, I knew, eventually we would be parents. I ordered this necklace to wear as a reminder, especially on those exceptionally hard days, that eventually it would happen. The "h" is for our last name, and you can see the baby feet with that word that kept popping in my mind; eventually. And wouldn't you know it, eventually came sooner for us than we expected. Our homestudy was approved at the beginning of June 2014, we were contacted by our daughter's beautiful birth mother at the beginning of July 2014, and brought our daughter home (that little baby "h" who was represented by two tiny footprints and the word eventually) in November 2014. Sometimes I still wear that necklace as a reminder that eventually the best things really do come to those who wait. So whatever gives you all hope and encouragement, whether it is a word, a piece of jewelry, blogging, your support system, please hold onto it. Share it with me, what gives you hope? 

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Yes, I'm a working mom...sorrynotsorry

I've heard the comments and questions directly and indirectly. How could you pay someone else to raise your child? Don't you feel guilty going back to work and missing all of this time with your daughter? I just don't know how working moms do it, etc.

Our daughter is 8 months old. I had the luxury and privilege of staying home with her full-time for her first 3 months. Was it long enough for me; no. But, it was more time than some people get to have, so I was grateful for it and I needed to go back to work. Not that anyone else needs anymore explanation than that, but my husband and I decided together. It wasn't a decision we made lightly. No decision we have ever made in regard to starting our family or parenting our child has been made lightly. Going back to work was hard on me. I cried frequently for the first 6 months, especially on Monday mornings when I dropped Mira off at daycare after getting to spend all weekend with her. I felt guilty like I was doing some huge injustice to our daughter by not being the one who spent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with her. That is how I made myself feel and that is how I let some other people make me feel.

But over the last few months, I have realized I am doing no injustice to our daughter. She is a thriving, crawling, standing, laughing, developing right on track, little ball of happy-as-can-be 8 month old in spite of being at daycare without me (gasp) during the day. Trust me, it's harder on me than on her, lol. Her dad and I both work full-time day jobs. That means we are both with her in the late afternoons and nights, and all weekend. Our time together is quality time and we make the most of it. Neither one of us is any more or less of a parent than the other one, or any more or less a parent who stays home full-time, or travels with their job and is gone frequently, or works nights and weekends, or works 2 jobs. I believe that every good parent is doing the best they can, and providing for their child in the way they need to. I think as good parents, whatever we decide to do is probably a hard decision that we constantly question, so we don't need other people questioning it for us or putting their two cents in (unless asked, of course).

Yes, Mira is in daycare during the day. And as my mom pointed out to me (thank you mom), this is her routine and she is adjusted to it. This is her normal. Mira loves Miss Lori and the other kids at daycare with her. She even has a best little friend, P, who is the same age. Those two light up around each other. When I drop her off in the mornings, I am not just leaving her with a stranger. I am leaving her with a woman who we trust. I am leaving her with a woman who loves her, cares for her, teaches her, spends time with her, and yes, even helps raise her. I would get so offended when I would hear people say that working parents pay other people to raise their children. But the truth is that we do pay someone else to help us raise our daughter. And there are also people that we don't pay who help us raise our daughter. What is so wrong with that? Have you ever heard the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child"? Well, there is some truth to it. It really does take a village. A village of family, friends, and for us, our daycare provider. Miss Lori, thank you for being our daycare provider and for loving and caring for our daughter as part of our village.

Yes, I'm a working mom...sorrynotsorry.

I've been avoiding this blog...

A funny thing happened on the way to infertility...we finally became parents. Well, not really on the way to infertility, more like after infertility. Anyway, infertility did lead us to parenthood, talk about ironic. So it's true, my struggle became my strength, I'm grateful for the valleys I had to go through that led me to the mountain top, everything happened the way it was supposed to in its own time, I wouldn't change the way things happened (but some things I would), and all of those other cliche things that people seem to say when they have finally achieved what they have always wanted after working hard and never giving up (except there were many times I did give up, or at least wanted to).

So, I have been avoiding this blog. True, I am very busy with work, an 8 month old, personal life, goals like losing weight. But mostly, I've been avoiding. I had writer's block for a while. But mainly it's that I don't know what to say anymore. Do I talk about motherhood after infertility? Do I talk about the adoption process? Do I talk about how I still struggle with infertility? I don't know. I never envisioned myself writing about anything in this blog except infertility and miscarriage, so I find myself in uncharted territory. To write about motherhood in a blog that was started to educate and inform people about infertility, share my struggles, help myself heal, and hopefully help other women, doesn't somehow seem appropriate. Or, maybe it seems like some kind of a betrayal. I don't know if I am ready to write about adoption, or the adoption process or becoming a mom through adoption because it all still seems so personal, private, and surreal. And I am kind of scared to reveal too much about our daughter and her story (because it really is just as much her story as ours). I want to be respectful to all involved. To write about how there are still times I struggle with infertility and loss seems like it would take away from how happy and grateful I am to finally be a mom, even though those two things are separate.

I love blogging and I am at a crossroads here. What do I do to keep my blog active while honoring what started it, as well as where I am at in my journey now? To be determined, I guess.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

We are parents

I should have blogged about this long before now, but life has been crazy and busy...crazy-busy. That about sums it up. I am sitting here next to our sleeping 2 month old daughter, Mira. 

Yes! We. Are. Parents! In July of 2014, an expectant mother connected with us thru a mutual friend. She was about 5.5 months into her pregnancy. Shortly after contacting us, the three of us decided that we would continue on the journey together. We all met with the adoption agency and became officially matched. The journey to through the match was a long one that deserves a post all of its own. I will say it wasn't easy for anyone, but it was worth it. I can't wait to write all about it.

On November 4, 2014 our daughter was born. That is also a story all its own, with way to much info and emotion to put into this blog entry. Let's just say Mira's birth was the most exciting, emotional, and unforgettable experience my husband and I have ever been a part of. 

We brought Mira home from the hospital, and time has just flown by. All of those years of infertility and loss that led us to adoption, that led us to seemed like it was forever to get to her, and now she is already 2 months old. When I think back over 6 years ago when we began trying to start a family, well, it just doesn't seem like it was that long anymore. A funny thing happened on the way to infertility, we ended up exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment with our daughter.