Friday, April 11, 2014

I was I'm not

The day before my birthday we found out I was pregnant. We weren't trying, we weren't expecting, it just happened. And it was an amazing surprise. This pregnancy started off so strong. This one was a fighter. I had to get a couple blood draws to make sure the pregnancy was progressing before the dr would start me on my blood thinner and the extra progesterone. From my first blood test to my 2nd, my hcg more than quadrupled! But number can be misleading little tricksters. Anyway, I started the daily lovenox injections and the progesterone supplement right away. 

I was cautiously optimistic. Even when I started to notice the spotting ( because that happens in like a third of "normal" pregnancies, right?). Even though my hcg stayed low and was only minimally rising after that first quantitative hcg. Even though the ultrasound dated the pregnancy a week behind what it should have been. This was going to be one of those miracle pregnancies that just took a little time to catch up. And my due date was November 8th, my Gram's birthday.  

I made it to 7 weeks before we got the official "this isn't a viable pregnancy" phone call from the nurse. It was a Friday and she said, "I'm sure you know when/if you need to go to the ER. You've been down this road before. I'm sorry". Yes we had; five other times. But this time was supposed to be different.

It's a weird limbo, being pregnant, but not. I wasn't a stranger in this place, but it still felt strange. Strange to know that I was expecting to lose yet another life that had started, but I just couldn't support. Strange to know that even though I was 7 weeks pregnant, the pregnancy had stopped developing around 5 weeks. Should that make me feel better, that at least I wasn't "far along". It doesn't. From that first positive pregnancy test, just like all of the others, I put on the mom hat. I can't disconnect myself from the pregnancy until it is determined to be viable. I guess that would make it so much easier. 

So now, I'm not pregnant at all. I got my results from my final blood draw yesterday. My hcg was at a "1". Anything less than 5 is officially not pregnant. I have to go for a follow up with the dr next week. It's weird being pregnant and then not, without having a baby to show for it. It's weird and it's sad, even if that is how it's meant to be for whatever reason. 

1 comment:

  1. I am so, so sorry for your loss. How can you not put the "Mom Hat" on? Even with all the grief you've already endured, how do you not hope when you have a positive beta? And then to have it taken inexplicably cruel. I am thinking of you and hoping for peace at a time of sadness and disbelief.