A funny thing happened on the way to infertility; I found my faith. I'm finding my faith, rather, a little more every day. I have debated writing a post like this for a while because I wasn't exactly sure what to say. I still don't know exactly what to say, but it's time I say something. Recently, I have encountered some pretty negative commentary about God's Will and infertility. I think that is a main reason I want to write this. I want to clarify how I feel about God's Will when it comes to my infertility, when it comes to my desire to be a mother.
When I was in the depths of infertility, and before I started seeing my counselor, I was angry. I was so angry that if I wasn't dismissing God altogether, I was blaming Him for my infertility and for my miscarriages. I felt like I was being punished and I wanted no part of whatever I thought was punishing me. I would scream and cry and question, "God, if there is a God, why are you letting this happen to me? Don't I deserve to be a mother? Am I not good enough to be a mother? Why do I keep experiencing loss"? There was a lot of that for many years. So, that is where I was, and that is where I lived. I lived in my anger. It was all consuming, but it was easier to be angry and blame God then to just accept that some people are fertile, some people are infertile, some women have healthy pregnancies and deliver their babies, some women have miscarriages. And now I am coming to a place of acceptance, which is helping me be less angry. Acceptance doesn't mean that I am happy, it doesn't mean that I don't wish things were different. Acceptance is just part of recovery. It is part of moving forward. It is part of finding peace.
So, this brings me back to infertility and God's Will. I have been told on more then one occasion that if I were meant to be a mother, God would have made me fertile instead of barren. Those are some of the most hurtful words anyone could say to me. Those are words that would have made me angry with God 5 years ago, or a year ago or even 6 months ago. But through my personal and spiritual growth, I have realized that the people who say things like that are people without compassion. They are people who like to prey on the insecurities of others. They are people who are religious, but who are not true Christians, even if they claim to be.
I don't believe that it is God's Will that I am infertile. I don't believe God makes or lets bad things happen to people, or in the world. I believe that those things are just an imperfect part of living in an imperfect world. But I do believe that there is a purpose for what I have experienced and I do believe that I am supposed to use my experience to help others. I do believe that I am supposed to use the loss and grief I have experienced to grow stronger and to push forward. And that is what I choose to believe. And I don't know if it is God's Will for me to be a mother, but I certainly know that it is my will. And I don't believe I would have such a strong, innate desire to be a mother if I wasn't meant to be.