I made a post on Facebook the other day about how we want quick and easy answers to the problems in our lives. We want someone to tell us that what we are doing is right or wrong, fixable or not fixable, etc. And by we, I meant me. I want someone (specifically a dr) to tell me why I am having such a hard time getting pregnant, and when I do finally get pregnant why I lose that pregnancy. But the problem is, with every answer, or non-answer, there are more questions.
So, with this 5th miscarriage I went to see my RE. For those who don't know, an RE is a Reproductive Endocrinologist; a specialist reserved for those of us who are super lucky in the deparment of fertility (said sarcastically). I had more questions like could there be a problem with my ovarian reserve (my eggs)? Could there be a problem with my ovulation? Well, the dr. looked thru his notes from our last visit in Jan of 2012 and mentioned to me that he wrote down we were supposed to go in for chromosone testing, but that he didn't have any results. Well, that was because we never went. I told him I didn't recall being told that or anyone ever following up with us. So, he said we should do that now. He told me that it sounds to him like either myself or my husband could be a carrier of something called balanced translocation. You can read about balanced translocation here:
And here is a simple diagram:
We have to wait 3-15 days for the results. I am not sure what I am hoping for. If one of us is a carrier of this, that will be an answer. That will explain so much. But while it will explain so much, it won't make things any easier because this is not something that is treatable. Its not something that gets better. There are one of 4 things that can happen if this is our issue:
1. We can stop pursuing any medical course of treatment and just try naturally and risk the recurrent miscarriages (risk of miscarriage is 50% or higher). Do we (I) really want to keep taking that risk?
2. We can use an egg donor or a sperm donor (completely out of the question for financial and personal reasons).
3. We can try IVF with something called Pre-Implantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD). A round of IVF with with test is around $20000, so that is obviously not going to happen. And even if it was a possibility for us, there is no guarantee that it would be successful.
4. We can just quit trying :(
Of course, it could come back that neither of us is a carrier. It only affects about 1 out of 625 people. So, if neither of us is a carrier, then we fall back into that mysterious 30% of people who just has unexplained infertility, yippee.
It seems like a crapshoot no matter what. What's my best case scenario, you ask? Well, I would like to just either wake up one day and not want to be a mother, that way I wouldn't be heart-broken and devastated EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. But as that is unlikely, what I would really like is to forget about all of this; all of the tests, all of the "trying", all of the drs. (you know, there have been 5 of those now as well), and pursue the alternative of adoption. Adoption is another blog for another time, I guess.
The way I ended my Facebook post about questions and answers was that sometimes we just have to trust and have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to, even if its not the way we planned. I have a hard time practicing my own advice.