Monday, April 29, 2013

The worst place to be

Today I had the dreaded visit to the OB/GYN office. It was for the follow up after my miscarriage. When the nurse called me last week and told me it would be a good idea for me to come in and meet with my doctor, I told her that unless he was going to tell me something new or more helpful from what the other 4 doctors had told me (2 of those doctors being Reproductive Endocrinologists), I had no interest in seeing him. She was very nice to me and just said, "Oh, hunny, you don't have to do anything you're not ready to do. You just call when you're ready to see him". So, I called a few days later because I did have a couple questions, you know, with this being my 5th miscarriage.

So, back to today. I pulled in the parking lot of the office and instantly I felt this immense sadness. I wasn't there for the reason I wanted to be there. I wasn't there for the reason I should be there. I walked in and what is the first thing I see? A pregnant woman, probably 4-6 months standing up with her husband's hand on her belly. It didn't matter where I sat, I was in an office full of pregnant women. A cruel reminder of what I had lost.

I went back to the exam room and didn't have to wait very long. Within a few minutes the dr was in there giving me his condoloences for my loss. He said to me that one of the things he disliked most about his job was seeing a woman like me, who wanted so much to be pregnant and become a mom and who had been thru so much, and then to go into the next room and have a patient who was pregnant and didn't want to be, or didn't appreciate it, or couldn't care for herself or the children she already had. It just wasn't fair he said, and I couldn't agree more.


  1. I am so sorry. To have experienced that many losses with no explanation must be beyond frustrating. Last summer I miscarried (my second loss as I had an ectopic the summer before, but my first bona fide miscarriage) and had my OB/GYN appointment with a new doctor just three weeks later. It is horrible to sit there in that place of hope and hear someone else's heartbeat while explaining that you are still not pregnant after years of trying and just lost a precious pregnancy. I hope that testing gives you answers--did they do testing for blood clotting disorders? I saw that the translocation was not the problem, which is good, but I understand also the feeling of THEN WHAT IS IT!?? I hope the next time you go to the OB/GYN it's for a happy visit, and those other pregnant ladies won't be so hard to see. Although I suspect there will always be the feeling of bitterness towards the "easy babies," especially if, as your doctor said, they aren't wanted or appreciated. Sigh. I hope you get your answers!