First and foremost, let me say infertility sucks. It sucks for me, it sucks for my husband, it sucks for our family and friends.
Second, let me clarify something. Infertility is not a mind over matter situation. Infertility is a medical condition that affects millions of people. People who suffer from infertility, usually suffer in silence and in isolation because there is such a stigma, and so much misunderstanding of what it is. No, you can't tell by looking at me, or anyone else who is afflicted by this medical condition, there is something wrong. That doesn't mean what is wrong isn't serious or doesn't exist.
Infertility sucks for me because I have a very difficult time getting pregnant. I don't know exactly why. I have unexplained infertility. My uterus is fine, my fallopian tubes are fine, my ovaries are fine. My weight doesn't keep me from getting pregnant, my stress doesn't keep me from getting pregnant, my trying to hard doesn't keep me from getting pregnant. And when I do finally get pregnant, I miscarry, usually early in the pregnancy. Usually, by the time I find out I am pregnant, I am already miscarrying. Infertility sucks for me because it makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel alone. It makes me feel sad. It makes me angry. It makes me jealous. It makes me moody. It makes me feel worthless and less than, at times. It makes me feel out of control and hopeless. Infertility sucks for me because every babyshower invite, every ultrasound picture, every pregnancy announcement just rubs salt in the wound a little more. Infertility sucks for me because even though what I have is a medical condition, it is not covered by insurance. Infertility sucks for me for all kinds of reasons.
Infertility sucks for my husband, because while there is nothing wrong with him, he knows there is something wrong with me and he can't fix it. Infertility sucks for my husband because at times I am not happy, and that makes him unhappy. It sucks for him because I think at times, my infertility has made him feel like he comes 2nd to my ability to get and stay pregnant. And that's not fair to him. Infertility sucks for my husband because it is a stressful situation that takes up our time and our money. Infertility sucks for my husband because he sees our family and our friends having children so easily, but it's so difficult for us.
My infertility sucks for our family and our friends because they want to be supportive, but they don't always know how. Our infertility sucks for our family and friends because they feel like they don't know the right things to say, or if they should say anything. Our infertility sucks for our family and friends, because at times it has kept us isolated from them. Our infertility sucks for our family and friends because most of them don't understand what we are going through or what we have gone through. Our infertility sucks for our family and friends because they don't always feel like they can share their good news (pregnancy announcements, etc) with us (me specifically). Our infertility sucks for our family and friends because even though they shouldn't, some of them feel guilty. And mostly it sucks for them because they love us, and care about us, and want us to be parents as badly as we want it.
Now, let me say that as much as infertility sucks, and as much as it has had a negative impact on our life and on our dreams, it has also done something positive, at least for me.
Infertility has made me stronger. It has taught me so much about who I am and who I can be. I never thought 3 or 4 or 5 years ago I would be at the point I am. I never thought I would be able to make it through one miscarriage, let alone 5. I never thought I would have joined support groups, or counseling. I never thought I would become an advocate for a cause that is so important to me and for people who need a voice. My counselor told me that I have made so much progress and that she is impressed with how I don't run and hide from my infertility any more. Believe me, I still have hard days, and I allow myself that, but I make it through.
Infertility has made our marriage stronger. We have been together 14 years and married 7, and this has been a true test of commitment, of love, of values; and we have passed all of those tests. I appreciate my husband and my marriage even more now. I know we have more hurdles ahead of us but we can do it together. My husband has grown leaps and bounds through this. He has amazed me and I am proud of him.
Infertility has shown me, even more so, what an amazing and supportive group of family and friends we have. Just being there to listen, to cry with me, to tell me I will be a mother one day, to have faith and hope at times I didn't, to listen to me screaming on the phone. They have read my blog and commented on my crazy Facebook posts. They have hugged me, taken me out, given me recommendations and advice. Sometimes there were people who I never would have expected that offered support and encouragement. I don't think I can thank them enough for letting me know I'm (we're) not alone. These are the people that, if or when we do become parents, will be in our child's life. And I couldn't ask for a better group of people.
And finally, if or when we become parents, we will appreciate that gift even more then if we would never have gone through any of this.