Tuesday, June 18, 2013

What is it like?

I can only imagine what it's like to have a normal pregnancy, a normal ultrasound, a normal doctors visit. I wonder what its like to see those two little lines on a HPT and not instantly have your heart stop and your eyes well up with tears because you know its only a matter of time before those two little lines go away. What is it like to just see those two lines and be happy, or at least indifferent? I wonder what it's like to not want to rush to the ER or call your doctor immediately upon feeling a twinge that shouldn't be in your side, or an ache in your back that wasn't there the day before, or worst of all; bleeding? What is it like to make a doctor's appointment for a routine pregnancy check up? You know, one where you're not going in to find out your pregnancy isn't viable, or one that isn't a follow up to a miscarriage. What is it like to see an OB who isn't telling you they don't know why you can't get pregnant, they don't know why you can't keep your pregnancies, they don't know why the medications don't work? What is it like to not even know what a RE is? What is it like to have your first ultrasound where the baby is healthy and you can see it and the tiny little heartbeat? What is it like to get past the danger zone and actually be comfortable sharing your pregnancy news? What is it like to feel that precious life growing inside of you? What is it like to watch your belly grow and have people ask you the most annoying questions over and over again; how far along are you, do you know what you're having, do you have names picked out, when are you due, can I touch your belly?

Infertility steals the ability to know the answers to these questions (and so many more) firsthand. Infertility leaves you with an emptiness and a hopelessness and a desperation that is unexplainable. Infertility makes time fly by. In the beginning, you don't even know that's the battle you're fighting. And then one day you realize five years has flown by, (really longer, you just weren't "trying"), and here you are writing a blog torturing yourself with questions that you will probably never have answers to.











2 comments:

  1. I wonder these things too. I wonder if I can ever trust good news because too often it morphs pretty quickly into bad news. I wonder what it must be like to plan to get pregnant in August/September so you can have a May baby and go out on maternity leave timed exactly to six weeks before the end of the school year (a surprising number of people can do this). I wonder if success is ever going to happen. I agree, it's hard and unexplainable and tortuous, but hopefully blogging is giving you an outlet that helps at least release some of the pain and frustration. I'd be lost without it myself. Wishing you better news in the future!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, gosh, what is it like to be able to plan the perfect timing for your pregnancy? I can't even figure out when I ovulate.

    My blog is a great outlet for me. It is one of the best things I started doing, so thank you for reading and commenting.

    ReplyDelete