Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Why do you want to be a mom?

Why do you want to be a mom? I've been asked this question several times over the last 5 or 6 years by several different people. I can give you the standard answer; I have always wanted to be a mom. That's true, I have always wanted to be a mom. In my heart and in my mind, not only do I want to be a mom, but I am meant to be a mom. There are so many reasons I want to be a mom, and I will try to share them all with you.

There was a time, many years ago, I thought just because I wanted to be a mom, I would. Before Dan and I got married we had the "kids" conversation. We agreed that we both wanted kids, and that was that. We just assumed it would happen when it was supposed to, but it wouldn't take that long, right? So, in the first year or two when it didn't happen, we weren't overly concerned. We were enjoying our married life. And then, in January of 2009, I found out I was pregnant. I had never felt that kind of excitement and that kind of joy. We did it; we created a life together and it was our turn to be parents. All of these thoughts raced through my mind. When and how would I tell Dan? Should we tell our family and friends right away? When would I see the doctor? Shortly after we found out about the pregnancy, I miscarried. I was devastated, but the doctor assured me this unfortunately happened to a lot of women and that I shouldn't be overly concerned. So, we worked through it. And more then ever, I wanted to be a mom and have a child with my husband because it had been taken away from us. Why us? We deserved to be parents, right? We would be good parents, wouldn't we? Those are haunting questions.

Over the next several years, we experienced more miscarriages (5 total). We saw 6 doctors (including 2 Reproductive Endocrinologists and a Hematologist) to try to get answers about my recurrent miscarriages and infertility. I started to see a counselor to help me understand my emotions and deal with my grief (she has helped a lot). I guess I'm telling you all of this because I think it is important to have the history as well as the reasons why. Something that we thought was going to be so easy, something that we thought was going to happen naturally, was turning into the hardest, most trying times of our marriage and definitely a personal battle for me. But even through the losses and the dr's appointments and the treatments and the heartache and the difficult times, I never lost my desire to be a mom. I just wanted it more. So, why do I want to be a mom?

I want to be a mom because I want to raise a child with my husband (who will be an amazing dad, even if he doesn't think so sometimes). I want to pass on our values and our legacy. I want to be a mom because I want to carry on, and also create family traditions. I want to create memories and stories that involve our children. I want to be a mom because I want to experience firsts with my child. Their first smile, their first laugh, their first tooth, their first step, their first birthday, their first day of school, etc. I want to be a mom because I want to relate to my friends and my relatives who have children. Sometimes I get tired of being treated like I don't know what I am doing with kids just because I don't have any of my own. I want to be a mom because I want to give our parents, grandchildren; our siblings, nieces or nephews; our nieces and nephews, cousins. I want to be a mom because I want to include my children in the family picture. I want to be a mom because I want to do the things with my child that my role-models, my mom and my grandma, did with me.

Mostly, I want to be a mom because I have so much love to give a child. As Aunt Sara, I love my nieces and nephews, and my friends' children more than anything. Being Aunt Sara has brought me so much happiness. But my nieces and nephews, and my friends children are not my children. I don't care for them every day. I don't put them to sleep. I don't make their ouchies go away, or dry their tears. I want to be able to do those things for my own child.

I have told these things to people before and its funny the different reactions I have been met with. Some people have really listened and understood and those people have tried to offer support and encouragement, which I appreciate from the bottom of my heart. Some people have questioned me further about why I would want to give up my kidfree, carefree life just to have the burden of children. Some people have said to me that having kids isn't all good and easy like I may think; like I can't possible understand how difficult it can be to be a parent. Some people have said really hurtful things like my marriage should be enough to fulfill me and make me happy. Well, let me tell you, my marriage is happy and fulfilling, but being a wife and a mom are two different things. It might be difficult for people who don't want children, or for people who resent having children to understand my reasons. It might even be difficult for people never struggled to have their children understand why I want it so much. And that's ok. Everyone has their own beliefs, their own reasons why or why not. All I can do is share my story.

Share your story with me if you want, if you're ready, and if you're comfortable. Whether or not you're a parent, whether or not you want to be a parent, whether or whether not you can be a parent. Everyone has a story and a journey of their own.

Thanks for reading.

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story! I am in the same boat. I have had 3 miscarriages, multiple years of poking and prodding...more doctors than I can remember. I would love to be a mom and sometimes it is overwhelming to know that I never will be. It is also hard when everyone else is a mom and cannot understand the spectrum of emotions that I go through every time I hang out with them. I love being the "aunt" but I also know that I will never be the "mom". I wish you the best on your journey and commend you on your strength, courage and grace for sharing your story.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Emily. Thanks for reading and for commenting. I don't quite know what I am doing with this blog yet, so it makes me feel really great that its reaching people.

    I know what you mean about feeling overwhelmed. That is a good way to put it. Overwhelmed that being a mom is not or may not be in your future. Overwhelmed from all of the tests, and doctors and miscarriages. Overwhelmed because there are just so many emotions that come along with this whole process, and it is such a roller coaster.

    Thanks again Emily. Please keep me updated on your journey.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for sharing, we're on the IF journey as well, 5 years later and nothing to show for it, we''ve never been pregnant yet, some people just don't get it, they think by telling me oh here take 1 of mine or you're lucky you don't have to deal with this referring to their cranky kid, they don't understand how much more hurtful their words can be instead of just listening and saying some positive encouraging thing like some day it'll be your turn just hang in there. I found your blog through Fran Meadows I also won one of Missy's necklaces, it couldn't have come at a better time.

    ReplyDelete